Ché Fegan. Photo Credit: Alex O’Brien
In a time where many gay men still struggle to find themselves, Ché Fegan is making space for them to feel more honest and aligned with themselves. Following his own struggles and travelling the globe, Fegan reflects on his journey to finding himself.
By Kelly Smyth
As toxic masculinity and identity politics dominate the online world, identity coach and wellness practitioner Ché Fegan is making space in the real world for gay men to stop chasing validation and embrace who they truly are.
Hailing from a rural town in Northern Ireland, growing up wasn’t always simple for Fegan. “From a younger age I was always odd. I had this wild imagination and connection with the outdoors. I was very sensitive and in tune with my emotions,” he said.
While this was seen as acceptable for a young boy, things changed as he entered puberty, which is when he believes many men in Ireland are taught to deny who they are in favour of society’s masculine model.
“Once you hit puberty, you begin to look like a man instead of a boy. You are kind of pushed away by the men in your life. You are told ‘don’t feel anything’, ‘man up’, ‘toughen up’ – to fit into those already established gender roles. For men, that often means killing everything inside you,” he recalled.
For Fegan, being a young gay man caused issues; his sexuality attracted bullying. “It was a place where something different was a curse rather than a blessing,” he said.
Despite this, Fegan’s sexuality was a guiding light for who he wanted to be. Although it was “distorting” to be both gay and facing up to masculinity as a young man, his identity brought a real drive for equity in his heart.
“My homosexuality gave me a lot of needed fight, and I’ve always had a strong sense of fairness. It fires something up in me,” he said.
While this drive to move forward carried him through his teenage years, he found himself battling his identity and sexuality through his twenties. “As a man, regardless of sexuality, you can still go through identity issues. You tend to figure out things behind the scenes. It could be arguing, travelling, hypersexuality. Anything to get away,” he shared.
Much of his young adulthood was spent travelling, with his move to Australia finally breaking the cycle of battling his own identity.
“Between twenty-eight and thirty I lived in Australia, and I felt incredible loneliness. It was a moment when I was finally feeling. I remember thinking ‘this is f-cked up’ because I should have been able to feel comfortable by myself. But I felt like a stranger in myself. I thought I knew myself, but really, I was just a people pleaser. I had never truly known who I was,” he revealed.
This revelation is ultimately what led Fegan to spirituality, beginning with reiki before embracing breathwork, yoga, and sound healing. Part of his spiritual journey was almost serendipitous, with a book on Buddhism he found on the streets of Berlin introducing him to new ideas and a “broadening of the mind”.
Embracing wellness has led him to learn more about himself. Now he is ready to share it with others. “I am at a point where I know things now that I want to share. I want to help people feel how I feel now,” he said.
Ché Fegan leads one of his breathwork classes. Photo Credit: Ciaran Gildea.
Hearing more and more about men in Ireland struggling with their mental health and suicide, Fegan decided it was time to create space for men to find themselves. He also noticed gay men in particular had no spaces beyond nightlife.
“If you don’t drink or don’t go out it can be very isolating. It’s time to stop being nightwalkers and time to be seen and heard,” he said. “The space I want to create is based around community. I want to start getting men together and create an environment of softness.”
Part of how Fegan is doing this is by offering Men’s Circles, where any man can go to experience somatic movement, breathwork, and a sound bath aimed to help them reconnect with themselves.
Additionally, Fegan runs retreats for gay men to help them break harmful patterns surrounding their identity.
“Because the gay community is so new in terms of history, so many patterns of harm are repeating regarding shame. I want the next generation of gay men to heal. Why not rule out hate all together?” he said.
While many men who are on this journey tend to be older, Fegan reaffirms “the door is open to anyone who wants to come”.
“The work I do is about helping men slow down and actually reconnect with themselves through breathwork, nervous system work, and deeper pattern awareness. It’s not about fixing them.
“It’s about helping them understand themselves, so they can stop performing and start making choices that feel more honest and aligned with who they are. I think a lot of men are quietly dealing with this, but don’t always have spaces where they feel safe enough to explore it. That’s something I’m trying to change through the work I do.”
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