Ciaran D’Arcy has a bone to pick. Read on as he outlines 10 ways to ‘endear’ yourself at your local bar.
1. Remember to order your drinks one at a time, they love running backwards and forwards as it keeps them fit.
2. When ordering a round, please make sure you don’t know what you want; barmen love to stand and wait while you shout across the room to find out.
3. Once you receive two drinks please take them back to your table and stay for a quick chat, your barman isn’t going anywhere and truly appreciates the rest.
4. Irish coffees are a perennial favourite, and please remember to order your Guinness last as there’s nothing quite like being reminded to top it up by a disgruntled customer to keep you on top of your game.
5. Don’t put money in their hands as they love to pick it out of puddles of beer on the bar. As for membership cards, remember to top them up in small increments so they’re short on every round and have to be topped up, there’s no rush!
6. Don’t bother with unnecessary niceties such as please and thank you, and tipping is positively discouraged.
7. Translating confusing hand signals for drinks is infinitely preferable to actually being informed of a round at the bar. Revert to smoke signals first if necessary.
8. Lip reading is a particular joy, and if you’ve picked up the barman’s name five minutes into your first visit don’t hesitate to parrot it again and again as they have notoriously poor hearing, especially when busy.
9. Always wait until you’ve been told how much your round is before asking for crisps, peanuts etc. When cheese and onion crisps are desired, ask for the full range of flavours before invariably going for the most obvious option, it helps them remember the stock.
10. If you’ve been waiting at the bar for two minutes, remind them that you’ve been waiting there for ‘half an hour’ as they have no concept of time whatsoever.
If all of these tried and trusted techniques fail to secure your status as a well-known and loved regular, then there’s always the six-pack of Linden Village in Dunnes Stores.